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Count your PEAS

An elderly womam was caught shop lifting. When she went in front of the judge he asked her what she had stolen. She answered that she had stolen a can of peaches.

"How many peaches were in the can?" he asked

She responded, "Just six your Honour"

The judge said, "Well I will give you six days in jail to deter you from doing this again as I see you were caught once before."

Just as the judge raised his gavel to finalize his judgement her husband stood up quickly and asked if he could speak. The judge was pleased to see him stand up for his wife.

"What is it that you want to say before I sentence her?"

"I thought you should know that she stole 2 cans of peas as well!

OUCH!!

By: Paulie
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What's in a Name?

A gorgeous woman at a cocktail party spotted an attractive man and introduced herself. "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he responded. "Is it a family name"

"No she replied. I changed my name several years ago because it represents the two things that I enjoy the most....cars and men." "What's your name?"

He answered, "BJ Titsgolf"

By: Wayne B
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Divorce VS Murder

A nice well dressed lady went to the Pharmacist, looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide"

The Pharmacist was shocked and asked, "Why do you need Cyanide?"

She responded, "I need it to poison my husband!"

The Pharmacist couldn't believe what he was hearing. "My Lord, I can't give you Cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license and go to jail...not going to happen!!"

The lady said nothing just calmly reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.

The Pharmacist looked at the picture and replied. "Well now that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. How much do you want?"

By: Mark T
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Paddy the Pig

Paddy Murphy comes into the Pub lokking like he had been run over by a train. "What happened to you?" asked Sean the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight at his house."

"That little prick couldn't do that to you by himself. What did he have in his hands?" asked Sean

"His big old hickory stick and a terrible lickin' he gived me!"

"Why didn't you have something in your hand that would only be fair?" inquired Sean

"That I did and that's how it started. Mrs O'Connor's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

By: Danny O'
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In Loving Memory

Jim had passed away and was very wealthy so he had provided for a $40,000.00 funeral for himself. As the last guests left the funeral home, his widow Sharon turned to her best friend Brenda and proclaimed that Jim would be pleased. Brenda responded, "I'm sure you are right but how much did this really cost? Those sausage rolls and jugs of wine looked cheap."

"I spent all of it, the entire $40k!" Sharon replied

Brenda was shocked, "No I mean it was a very nice service but they gave you the church basement for nothing. You didn't send out any invitations and I made the food. Where did the $40k go?"

Sharon answered with, "Well the funeral and casket were $6,500, I donated $100 to the church in Jim's name, food & beverage was $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Brenda did the math, "You mean you spent $32,900.00 for a Memorial Stone? Wow, that must be some stone. When do I get to see it?"

"Now" said Sharon as she took her black gloves off to display the largest diamond that Brenda had ever seen.   

 

By: Burkie
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