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Shortest Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But it was a long time ago and it was just that one day

THE END

By: The Bear
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7 Stages of Married Sex
  1. SMURF SEX: This occurs when you first meet and have sex until you are both blue in the face.
  2. KITCHEN SEX: You have not been together for very long and will do it anywhere
  3. BEDROOM SEX: Been together long enough that is now the only place that you have sex
  4. HALLWAY SEX: This is couples who have been with each other longer and just say "F..k You" as you pass in the hallway at home
  5. NUN SEX: Very popular - Which means that you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night
  6. COURTROOM SEX: This occurrs when you can't stand each other and she takes you to court to screw you in public.
  7. PENSIONER SEX: The last stage whereby you get a little each month but never enough to enjoy yourself 

AMEN!

By: Anatole
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How Old?

A doctor was on his morning walk when he spotted an older lady sitting on her porch smoking a cigar. Surprised by this, the doctor walked up to her introduced himself and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look.  What is your secret?"

She winked seductively at him with her good eye and responded, "I smoke 10 cigars a day, before I go to bed I smoke a nice big joint, and apart from that I drink Jack Daniels every day and eat nothing but junk food.  On weekends I pop pills, sleep with lots of men and I don't believe in exercise

"That is amazing to hear" replied the Doctor looking at this shriveled up old lady with the big smile and no teeth. "That is absolutely amazing. How old are you?"

Thirty Four next month! she answered

By: Kate
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Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid opened the panel the man said, "Father....during World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis so I hide her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wondeful thing you did for humanity and you need not confess"

"There is more to tell Father....she soon began to repay me with sexual favours several times a week"

The priest said, "This happened a long time ago and by doing what you did you placed yourself in great danger and two people under those extreme circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven"

"Thanks so much Father, I appreciate your compassion but I do have another question"

"What would that be?" asked the priest

"Should I tell her the war is over?" 

By: EDDIE THE EAGLE
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Stranded Irishman

An Irishman had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, when he saw something rising from the surf. It was a gorgeous blonde clad in a wet suit. She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said, "How long has it been since you had a good cigar?"

"That would be 10 years" he responded. With that she reached into a waterproof pocket on her sleeve and she pulled out a fresh pack of Cuban cigars, a cutter and matches. 

He lit one cigar and smoked it slowly cherishing every bit of it. "Faith and begorrah! I had forgotten how great a smoke can be"

"How long since you sipped a taste of aged Cardu Irish Whiskey?"

Trembling, the castaway says, "More than 10 years and please don't tease me. I have been dreaming about sipping whiskey since I arrived"

Unzipping her wet suit a little, she reaches in and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opens it and takes a long drink that burns beautifully all the way down and he exclaims, "Tis the nectar of the Gods and it is fantastic!"

At this point the beautiful woman slowly unzips her wetsuit, wearing nothing underneath. She walks closer to the trembling man who is obviously so excited and asks. "How long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman can barely control himself and begins to sob, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got a set of clubs in there too!" 

 

By: OLd JC
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