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Good Neighbour

Before going out to dinner, a man is getting into the shower just as his wife has finished and she wraps a towel around herself to go answer the front door. When she opens the door Bob, the next door neighbour is standing there and immediately blurts out, "I will give you $800 to drop your towel."

After thinking about it for a minute, the woman drops the towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few minutes of looking closely at her, he hands her the $800 and leaves.

Wrapping herself up she goes back up the stairs and her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob from next door", she replied. "Great, did he say anything about the $800 that he owes me. 

By: Gary Murhpy
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Involuntary Contraction

A professor at the Harvard School of Medicine was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.....

By: BC
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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK!

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected a half gallon of milk, carton of eggs, orange juice, a head of lettuce, coffee, and a pound of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt at the check-out counter, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed everything in front of the cashier. While she was ringing up my purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single!"

I was a bit startled by his public proclomation but was intrigued by this derelict's intuition, since I  am indeed single. I looked at all my items and saw nothing that could have tipped him off to my marital status.

Curiosity got the better of me so I said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Because you are ugly!" 

By: EDDIE D
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FAIR IS FAIR

One evening last week my girlfriend and I were in bed and I am feeling the passion rise but she says, "I don't feel like it tonight, I just want you to hold me."

I responded with, "What is going on?" She replied, "You are just not in touch with my emotional needs for me to satisfy your physical needs. Can't you just love me for who I am and not just for what I do for you in bed?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen no matter how I responded I went to sleep.

The very next day I took the day off work and took her shopping at Neiman Marcus after a wonderful lunch. She tried on many expensive outfits that she liked but couldn't decide on one, so I told her to throw them all in the cart and I would buy them all for her. She wanted new shoes and I suggested that she get a pair to match each outfit. Walking past the jewelry counter she saw the diamond earings she had always wanted. I waved my hand and said, "Throw those in too."

She rubbed herself passionately against me and whispered in my ear, "Let's go to the teller and hurry home for your special treat. You know those things we never do, well tonight is the night!"

I said, "No honey, I don't feel like it" Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "What!!!!"

"I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. You're just not in enough touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

Just when she had that look that wanted to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things that I buy for you?"

I won't be getting any sex for a while but at least we can play Subterfugethegame so that I can get out of the house! 

By: Bobby Bear
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Why men should have dogs and not wives

1. The later you are the more excited they are to see you

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name

3. A dog's parents never visit

4. Dogs find you amusing when you are drunk

5. Dogs are always ready to go anywhere

6. Dogs like hunting and fishing

7. If a dog smells another dog on you they don't get mad

8. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck

9. If a dog leaves you they don't take half of your house

10. If you whistle they will come

By: DOUGIE L
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