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OLd Sex

After his physical exam, the doctor asked the elderly man if he had any medical concerns. The old man responded, "In fact I do. After sex I am usually hot and sweaty but the next time I am cold and chilly." The doctor was surprised as he had never heard of this before.

After examining the man's wife the next day, he thought he would ask her for help with her husband's unusual condition. "Your husband claims that he is usually hot and sweaty and then the next time he is cold and chilly after sex."

"Oh, that crazy old fart", she replied, "That's because the first time is always in August and the second time is in January!"

By: BoBo
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Crushed Nuts!

A little old man shuffled into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly and in obvious pain onto a bar stool. After a few minutes to catch his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly "Crushed Nuts?" and he quickly responded, "No, arthritis."

 

By: Bobby B
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Great Job

A young man gose to the Job Center in Los Angeles and sees an ad posted for a Gynecologist's assistant. Obviously interested, he goes to the counter and asks the clerk for more details.

The clerk pulls out the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready. You have to help the women out of their clothes, lay them down and carefully wash their private region, then apply shaving foam so that you can gently remove all their hair and rub in soothing oils so that they are completely ready for the gynecologist's examination. There is an annual salary of $100,000 plus bonuses, but you are going to have to hurry and get to Albuquerque New Mexico, about 620 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir," responded the clerk, "That's where the end of the line is right now!"

By: Paulie
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ATM Procedures - Male VS Female

This was posted in the lobby of a bank:

Please note that this bank is installing new Drive-Through ATM machines next month

Follow the procedures below:

Male Procedures:

  1. Drive up to the cash machine
  2. Put down car window
  3. Insert card and PIN
  4. Enter amount of cash required
  5. Retrieve cash and receipt
  6. Put window up and drive away

Female Procedures:

  1. Drive up to cash machine
  2. Reverse and back up to align your window with the ATM
  3. Set parking brake and put down car window
  4. Find handbag and remove all the contents on to the passenger seat
  5. Tell person on your cell phone that you will call them back - please hang up
  6. Attempt to insert card
  7. Open car door and get out as you are too far away to reach the ATM machine
  8. Try to find location of you secret PIN - back page of your diary
  9. Enter PIN
  10. Press cancel and re-enter right number
  11. Enter amount of cash needed
  12. Check your make-up in the rear view mirror
  13. Retrieve cash and the receipt
  14. Put everything back in hand bag
  15. Write amount withdrawn on your cheque register
  16. Place receipt in the back of your cheque book
  17. See if make-up is perfect
  18. Drive forward 2 feet, slam on brakes
  19. Reverse the car to retrieve card
  20. Empty hand bag to locate wallet to put your card back
  21. Put hand out the window with middle finger up for driver behind you
  22. Close window rapidly
  23. Re-start stalled engine after 5 minute wait
  24. Re-dial friend on the phone
  25. Drive for several miles
  26. Release parking brake   

  

By: Alice the gator
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CONDOMS

A man walks into a drug store with his 9 year old son. Walking past the condom display, the boy asks, "What are these Dad?" The father quickly responds, "Those are called condoms. Men need them when they are going to have sex."

The boy picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there only 3 in this one?"

"Those are for high school boys with girlfriends, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"What about the 6 pack? Who are they for?" asked the boy. "Those are for young men in College, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW," says the boy, "Then what is the 12 pack for?"

With a sigh and a hint of sadness, the father replied, "Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March........."  

By: Billy
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